Hey everyone. I’m not sure if anyone even checks this page or not but I have been gone for a little while. I needed to take a break for a bit to get back on track. I started therapy, working out daily and a new quarter at college. I have been determined to fight for my soul/happiness. I was so tired of being tired from being depressed/not feeling anything.(you know the feeling) Anyways I made a pact with myself to workout everyday 6 days a week to become strong again. I felt a total disconnect with my body and I felt like by making it strong and beautiful again I was making myself more vulnerable to attention but then I thought about it more and if I don’t take care of myself I am even MORE vulnerable, plus I am fucking sick and tired of letting boys determine how I live my life. If I want to look beautiful, be in shape and be stylish again then I WILL. I will not continue to let the fucking idiot who was too much of loser to treat me right determine the whole course of my life. FUCK THAT. That being said I still have days of complete despair but I am taking it one day at a time. I am going to therapy once a week and it’s nice to have that to look forward to in a way. I am trying to face all of my issues head on but it is really hard sometimes. Some days I share horrible things that have happened to me-things I have never told anyone and I feel fine when I do it but the aftermath is horrible. I feel depressed and hopeless but I know I have to use all of my strength and ASK FOR HELP to get through it. I make small goals, I workout, I work towards something that will help someone else. I write entries in my journal on good days so I can realize there are good days, there is an end to the sadness. It’s a process but I am trying to realize how much I can take on and what I can’t. It’s good to recognize and acknowledge the feelings as them come and deal with them accordingly. Bottom line I am trying to accomplish little goals everyday and talk to people when I am struggling. I think we all need to try and focus on the positive things in our lives more. This way of thinking can make all of the difference in the world. How are you doing? Feel free to contact me if you need a buddy to talk to : )
My sister told me this quote the other day. I keep feeling like the world has come along and snatched my rose-colored glasses then smashed them while laughing in my face. Things and people who I thought were awesome and great turn out to be horrible and bad. It’s depressing and I want my fucking glasses back! I guess I just have to adjust to this new world or make a stand to focus only on the positive things. Why does that feel like it takes much more energy than usual? Oh right I’m depressed. jkldmvc!! whatever I am fighting through this. THE FUCKED UP WORLD WON’T GET ME. At least not without a fight or anything I can muster from my soul.
I have no energy today. I feel so lost but not at all at the same time. I want to cry but not. I am so indifferent and it makes me feel so sad. I can’t find any energy to do anything productive. I just want to cry and cry and cry just to feel something. I hate this so much. :’(